Thursday, April 15, 2010

Fear Not 04-14-2010 10pm est

Wow, tomorrow we head out. It all seems real now. Im sitting here in this apartment listening only to the creaking footsteps over my head. Everything seems to echo now. My dog isn’t here and he is never not here. Something is noticeably different in my life today. My dog is with the children spending time there while I am in New Orleans. The only thing left here, is me…and my thoughts.

I’m not that afraid today. Today there is calm about me. An acceptance of where this journey has taken me. I remember when I was in the Army we had orders to deploy. This was in the late 90’s under the Clinton administration. We were, at the time, on the verge, yet again, of war with Iraq. We were all packed up ready to go. No one remembers this except for the soldiers that were ready to deploy. I remember when I signed my Will and there was an acceptance; a calm. Although this doesn’t even compare, that sense of acceptance is the same.

When people ask me what is my biggest fear. I think about the fear that I have the hardest to overcome. When I lived in the projects as a young child, we lived on the 11th floor. I was always afraid I would fall out of the window and as a result developed a fear of heights. Determined to combat that fear, I started rock climbing 2 years ago. Six months ago on my 30th birthday, I went skydiving. That used to be my biggest fear until I confronted it.

There, however, is one fear that lurks in my shadows. Prevents me, at times, from doing things I don’t think I can do. My biggest fear: failure. Yet today, today I embrace that fear. It is that fear that drives me. That I will use to push me. It feels like when you’re going up on a rollercoaster and you peak, you know what’s about to happen, and you accept it. That is what today feels like. I am not looking forward to the 11 hour drive to New Orleans but, I will sure be glad when it is over!

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