Saturday, January 16, 2010

Remembering the past...Dreaming of the Finish

When was the last time you can say you woke up every morning with the same thought in your head? Have you ever? I have. The first time I can remember waking up every day with the same thought in my head was when I was actively drinking. Every single day, EVERY single DAY I woke up with that thought in my head! I couldn’t wait to get home from work to drink a couple bottles of wine.

Now, I wake up every day dreaming of being an Ironman. It isn’t easy some days. There is a lot to sacrifice. Fortunately, I am learning to prioritize. My priorities won’t seem fair to someone on the outside looking in. But someone on the inside looking out…totally gets what this journey is all about! Walking with Christ, raising money for the orphanage, and quieting those damn demons.

Those damn demons…the ones that told me, “No one will love you…take a drink.” “You will never be successful...Here, take a drink my friend.” “Why are you still alive?!...Hell, but while you are here, take another drink. Why the F*@ck not?!” I still hear them except they are whispers now. They tell me I have lost my mind trying to become an Ironman. Maybe I have. But, I think that every person that has crossed the Ironman finish line has lost their mind to even attempt such a task! It is nice to know on the starting line I will be amongst friends!

My mom sent me a picture of me when I was at my top weight! 232lbs. It was 4 years and 52lbs ago (+/- 3lb). It was 2 years of recovery ago. It was 8 months of being a Christian ago. When I saw that person... yes, I saw the weight. It didn’t look like me. It didn’t feel like me. I know it’s because the person in that picture is not ME. It is not the person I am today. Yet, I could see those demons in his eyes. I could feel the pain, the hurt, the disappointment I felt during this time in my life. It was an eye opener.

The Ironman is more than just an endurance event. It is more of a spiritual journey to find out who you/I really am. I am spending the next 300 plus days looking forward to confronting that person in the picture. It will end when I hear those words… “You are an IRONMAN!”

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